Adventures in Media: Jared Leto

Another priceless press release that I couln't have lived without


Friday, March 31, 2006

eTalk Exclusive: Jared Leto Not Headed for Wisteria Lane; Denies Rumours of Joining Desperate Housewives Cast

eTalk is the first to report that actor and musician Jared Leto is not joining the cast of Desperate Housewives. In an interview airing tonight, Leto tells eTalk "I heard about this rumour too. I don't know where these things start. I mean, I've never seen the show, I'm sure it's fantastic....but I don't have anything to do with that, and I don't know anything about it."

Leto's statement to eTalk puts the escalating rumour to rest, as countless media outlets around the world have reported that ladies-man Leto would be cast as the new love interest for Eva Longoria's character.

eTalk Daily, Canada's Most-Watched Entertainment Newsmagazine, airs weeknights at 7 p.m. ET (check local listings) on CTV.


It's like anti-news.

Working for the weekend...

[I'm totally running out of Loverboy album covers. Why couldn't they have been more prolific?]

To Do:

-Enjoy warm weather.

-Watch movies and TV all evening then complain tomorrow when it rains. And it will rain.

-Attend more literary events, like last Wednesday's party held by The Walrus at some art gallery in Old Montreal. Best part of the evening (other than the fab food and free booze): B asking Noah Richler what his name was, after complimenting him on the discussion held earlier. The show was hosted by him. To promote his new book. Which was also the subject of the discussion. His name was on the invites.

-R's going away party. Back to Thailand. Odds he'll return after emerging from yet another sexual cocoon-- 3:1. Tranny 6:1. Ladyboy 4:1. Into girls again 12:1. I kid, I kid.

Get It: Nightlife Mag

The April issue is out now, and I heard there's a really good article on Sexaholics Anonymous by some really hot writer who's got a really sexy pic near the front in the contributors section. But maybe I heard wrong. You can pick it up at 4 Freres and everywhere fine canned goods are sold to hipster and crack whores alike.

Blog on Blog: Montreal

Blog on Blog is my new section. It's me blogging about other blogs, with a special emphasis on blogs that discuss other blogs. How meta. Hey folks, I'm just doing it so you don't have to. We can't all have jobs with 'Internet Fridays' (or 'Beer Thursdays' and 'Oprah Afternoons').

Here are some true Montrealers who love the city and read the paper and do good works, informing people about upcoming events, local issues, their political opinions, stores and restaurants, etc. In short, they're suckers. Seriously. Genuine, well-written restaurant reviews, unpaid? I'll stick to my lazy spelling errors and prejudice venting, thanks.

pointless is a poetry blog, mostly in French. Because who doesn't love raw, uinedited online poetry? Oh, right. Me. A sample:

On the edge
Too many contradictory feelings
have made the situation so tense
Yesterday’s allies could become wrong
If only communication helped
I’m on dangerous ground, I’m on deadly sand
I’m about to plunge and no one knows the end

The creator of Doomed But Energetic sometimes writes in Spanish and calles herself a "member of the True Love Mafia." Uh huhhh. But she did go to the butterfly thing at the Botanical Gardens, one of those things I'd love to do (well, maybe not so much now that it's getting warm) but won't because I'm lazy, etc. you know the song and dance by now.

How To Buy Art is by a New Yorker/Montrealer, but it isn't so much about the city as it is, um, about buying art. But for the common wo/man who wants to know if she can get something good off of eBay. It's a great idea for a blog (unlike this mishmash of celeb gossip and bitter rants).

She also mentions Pillow Fight Clubs (flash mobs, really), one of which I witnessed a while back in New York's Union Square. I am probably in the background in this photounseen, standing at the window of Filene's. Later L and I went across the street and cried: "Avian flu!" as the feathers flew. I'd love to do one in Montreal, maybe near Tam Tams. Must accrue some street cred first so I can announce it here.

[I think I'm beginning to get how boring it is to read other people's blogs. What exercises in vanity. Note to self: keep posts brief. Starting... now]

Interweb: Go Fug Yourself

This photo from Go Fug Yourself (it's a bit like in People or Us when they have comedians judging celebs' bad outfits, only funny) is especially amusing because someone I know has that skirt (it's from London's Portobello Market), and unlike the person in the pic, she is not a drag queen. [insert obvious joke about how that tranny is still hotter than Ms. Tori Spelling, who is cool if she can mock herself and everything, but come on]

Random Hate: American Apparel (pt. I)

If you know me at all, then you know I hate American Apparel, especially its lech founder Dov Charney and the gaggles of Montreal employees who take weekly excursions to Bifteck or Laika. Maybe they're paid to go out together and display the new line, each wearing a different style and colour outfit to the point where they look like a box of crayons with asymmetrical haircuts. Anyway, I've got plen-ty more to say about this, and one kickass t-shirt to photograph and put online, but for now, I'll leave you with this guy's rant.

And I quote: "Did Brian mention that he hates American Apparel so deeply that he wishes he was mentally retarded to a degree where he couldn't understand what shapes or taste meant, so that he would be shielded from the raging bullshit storm that American Apparel daily brings to the lush shores of his mind?"

Oh yeah, for anyone living in Montreal, Simons has tons of tees right now that are direct rip-offs of the AA stuff, but at half the price. Plus they're better quality. Everyone knows Asian slave labourers are much better workers than lazy Americans.

Adventures in Media: Best Press Release Ever

This is an authentic press release from CBS.

March 30, 2006

ORLANDO MAGIC STAR GRANT HILL TELLS "CBS NEWS SUNDAY MORNING" (2) ABOUT HIS FIRST DATE WITH HIS WIFE

Please credit CBS NEWS SUNDAY MORNING.

This Sunday, Orlando Magic basketball star Grant Hill, a devoted family man, tells correspondent Rita Braver the story of how he and his wife met -- on a blind date. The interview will be broadcast on CBS NEWS SUNDAY MORNING (9:00-10:30 AM, ET; check local listings).

GRANT HILL: "Well, I purposely left my wallet in the vehicle. We went to eat. So, when the check came, I didn't have any money to pay."

RITA BRAVER: "Purposely? Why?"

G. HILL: "Yeah, I know. I just wanted to see if she brought any money with her."

TAMIA HILL (Hill's wife): "And what did I do?"

G. HILL: "She paid for it. She paid for it."

T. HILL: "And what do you say now?"

G. HILL (laughing): "I say, yeah, and I've been payin' ever since."

[Only in America, or possibly Canada, folks.]

Ipecac Brigade: Poutine A to Z

Mmmm. Don't follow this link to Montreal Poutine if you are really hungry. The site offers reviews of poutine joints in the city, a history of the delicious snack, and lovely t-shirts that read 'Body By Poutine.' I made a version with baked sweet potato fries and organic chicken gravy on the weekend, but it just wasn't sloppy and ghetto enough. Next time I'll buy the St. Hubert canned sauce and/or toss in some regular white potatoes (though I'll still add some vinegar, as always). Or I'll just suck it up and go to Rapido.

[Ha ha, I can tag whatever date and time I want on these posts, so it looks like I get up before 10!]

Very Lazy Paparazzi: The Horror, The Horror

All right. I'll post a photo of the infamous Britney Spears sculpture (for those of you who don't spend your days reading online gossip sites), but I refuse to comment on it. I'll just include this snarky comment from a Defamer poster.


To: Every news outlet running this story today
RE: Britney Spears sculpture

Welcome to last week!

I do hope Doc Brown stocked enough plutonium in the DeLorean so you chowder heads could get yourselves back into the now.

Photo of the Day

I'm not sure what those people in the background are protesting -- I'd guess the new anti-immigration legislation -- but it sure as hell isn't as concerning to regular Americans as Brangelina and Jennifer Aniston. This has inspired me to make huge signs about trivial celeb gossip and carry them at all the damn rallies and walk outs Montreal seems to host every single week.

[from here]

Newsies: Morrissey Asks for a Beating

The former Smiths front man released this statement on his website:

"We will not include any Canadian dates on our world tour to promote our new album. This is in protest against the barbaric slaughter of over 325,000 baby seals which is now underway.

I fully realise that the absence of any Morrissey concerts in Canada is unlikely to bring the Canadian economy to its knees, but it is our small protest against this horrific slaughter - which is the largest slaughter of marine animal species found anywhere on the planet.

The Canadian Prime Minister says the so-called 'cull' is economically and environmentally justified, but this is untrue. The seal population has looked after itself for thousand of years without human intervention [what?], and, as the world knows, this slaughter is about one thing only: making money [god forbid. Thank goodness for the UK's slaughterhouses for charity and animal testing facilities for the poor]. The Canadian government will stream all of the pelts into the fashion industry and this is the reason why the baby seals are killed with spiked clubs that crush their skulls - any damage to their pelts is avoided. The Canadian Prime Minister also states that the slaughter is necessary because it provides jobs for local communities, but this is an ignorant reason for allowing such barbaric and cruel slaughter of beings that are denied life simply because somebody somewhere might want to wear their skin [or, say, eat their meat].

Construction of German gas chambers also provided work for someone - this is not a moral or sound reason for allowing suffering. [Canadian fishermen and Inuits= Nazis. Got it. This, my friends, is what us nerds refer to as Godwin's Law]

If you can, please boycott Canadian goods. It WILL make a difference. As things stand, Canada has placed itself alongside China as the cruelest and most self-serving nation."

I understand the outcry. Baby seals are much cuter than cows or pigs, and their blood is quite startling splattered against the snow or ice (whether from humans or polar bears). My only fear is that this...


may be detracting attention from, oh, say, this...

Interweb: My Future

I don't normally give props to The Onion. I like the A.V. club and scan the funny headlines, but beyond that... all right, I'm just afraid of hyping something written by one of my old schoolmates (do people still use that term?) who occasionally shows up in the photos for the fake articles, including one about a pastor who constantly uses his own son as an example while tallking about virginity. But this article-- "Sitcom Writer On Deathbed Thinks Of All The Zany Plots He'll Never Write"-- kind of struck a chord with me.

Quote: "It hurts to think of all the half-hours wasted on routine plots," said an emotional Kaplan. "All the class reunions, forgotten anniversaries, new neighbors, bouts of amnesia, living-room weddings, surprise inheritances from distant relatives that end up being worthless, and blind dates disrupted by the meddlesome dad that I'm going to miss out on when I'm gone."

[Update: This story was definitely written by said schoolmate, or someone mocking him. Am I avoiding using the word 'friend'? We did co-star in a play together and I annoyed him throughout CEGEP, and I do know his full name, but my criteria for friendship are very stringent (and involve birthday presents)]

Newsies: So You Want Me Lucky Charms, Eh?

I got this link from a friend, with no comment. It needs none. Though I will just point out that Leprechaun in the Hood beats out The Godfather 2 as the best sequel ever made. And for those of you who doubt the veracity of the news story, I'll have you recall the whole Monkey Man mass hysteria in India few years back.

Lazy, Sad Paparazzi: RIP Arrested Development

From Variety: "Arrested Development creator Mitch Hurwitz says he will not be continuing with the series, throwing a major -- likely fatal -- monkey wrench into attempts to keep the Emmy-winning laffer alive for a fourth season." Read about it here. It kills me to say this, but: I'm glad it's (pretty much) over. We (and the cast-- think of poor Michael Cera, won't you?) cannot live in a state of limbo, and the last episode was a damn near perfect wrap-up. The show's three seasons will be like the two seasons of the U.K. office -- a beautiful blip of excellent television to give a few of us hope for humanity in between 'OMG, CSI is the most popular show ever!!!' articles.

[Ugh, don't you just hate how Variety uses the term 'laffer'? There's one word I will never use. Oh hell. I'm fooling myself. It'll be up there with 'Britcom' and 'heist flick' within a month]

"I want these motherfucking snakes...

...off the motherfucking plane!"

Apparently the producers of S.O.A.P. added that line in re-shoots (as well as tons more violence and swearing, enough for an R-rating, which I think was a mistake. But it is not for me to question) because of "fan demands. We are a demanding bunch, buying tees (like mine, above) and entering the delightfully B-movie title into the popular lexicon (like now "Snakes on a plane, man" means "Ehh, what can you do?") before it's actually, uh, been released in theatres.

If you've never even heard of the movie, I pity you. It's grown too big for me to even explain. I'll let The Hollywood Reporter do it.

Lazy Paparazzi: TomKat

Once upon a time, I promised myself I'd never use the term TomKat. Or Canuck. Or heart-warming, tear-jerker, coming of age, etc. Then I wrote 100 words on that Ashlee Simpson movie and I haven't looked back since. Annnyway. I've always been a big supporter of the whole 'Katie Holmes is just wearing a prosthetic preggers belly' theory, but this pic makes me think there is a real fetus in there (save for those darn Thetans). And once born, that baby will take over where L. Ron Hubbard left off -- writing crap sci-fi and bilking celebs (and some commoners hoping to meet celebs) out of their paycheques. Ehh, maybe I'm just getting... what's the aunt equivalent of maternal? Aunternal? That's the one.

Active Paparazzi vs. Joseph Gordon-Levitt

In this video (and no, I've got no stake in YouTube. Yet), the star of 3rd Rock from the Sun (and, more recently, Brick) turns his videocamera on a couple of photographers who were hounding him. They don't like it one bit. Oddly, one goes on about suspecting/hoping Levitt to be gay because he is with another young man (and Levitt put this online himself). There is also some weird sniffing in the background, but that may just be from the editing or something.

Here is Joe's manifesto:

"It doesn't normally happen that paparazzi photographers pay me any attention when I'm not working. In fact, it only ever happened once (thank god) that I can think of. Luckily I had my video camera on me when it did. A friend and I were just walking down the street in Manhattan when we passed these two photographers who were sitting outside the entrance of some hotel, presumably waiting to photograph somebody who was staying there. I didn't think much of them until, a block or so later, they came running up and started to take my picture. I tried to be nice and politely ask them not to. They were neither nice nor polite. And that's when I remembered I had my camera in my bag. So that's where the movie starts. The only other thing I'll say is (and I had trouble deciding whether or not to be so blunt with my opinion, but here goes) I do believe that the myth of "Celebrity" is not just innocently shallow entertainment, but a powerful and fundamental part of a larger movement revolving around greed, apathy and hierarchy that is currently dragging us down, down, down, lower and scarier, and perhaps weaker than we've ever, ever been. Smile!" - Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Hmm, that photo is cruel. Here's one we can all enjoy, straight or gay (speaking of, wasn't Joe tewtally cute as Eric's rich, gay lab partner in an episode of That '70s Show a few years back?).


And yes, the video's 100 percent legit. You can find it as well as some other (surprisingly good) shorts made by Mr. GL on his site here.

[UPDATE: And heeere we go, care of my newfound genius]

Fashion Week Special Report

If I may base my findings on a single fashion show (Kuskalla) that was held at Daylight Factory rather than the tent in Old Montreal, I'll declare Montreal Fashion Week an overwhelming success. Huzzah! It wasn't the clothes, it wasn't the free drinks (and it definitely wasn't the horrid stopover at the W reminding me why I never, ever go there -- because I don't care for Sean Desmond or 16-year-old girls who are too rich for the Dome), it was the girl by the door SPINNING ALPACA WOOL INTO YARN ON A FREAKING SPINNING WHEEL. She was wearing old timey clothing with a dash of irony, like a lovechild produced after a hipster wandered into Upper Canada Village in an Adderall-induced haze and made sweet love to the faux milkmaid behind Ye Olde Saloon. And me without my camera. I am the: Worst. Blogger. Ever.

Pencil it In: H & M

Brace yourself and befriend a car owner. Any day now it'll look like Beaconsfield soccer moms and babysitters spent the weekend shopping in Paris. Damn designer rip-offs. The first H & M ever in Montreal will open at Fairview Pointe Claire on Thursday March 30. Then Rockland on April 6, and Galeries d'Anjou on April 13. Don't get me wrong, I like it as much as the next cash strapped shopaholic. But NIMBY, you know? It's bad enough when a bunch of girls decide they're all going to get the same Old Navy flip flops. This'll be 100 times worse, I ga-ron-tee.

Boy Beat: Clive Owen

I knew it. I knew this page would eventually get reduced to a virtual Tiger Beat rip-off. But there is something to be said for a man who can spend 75 percent of a movie with his face covered up and still ooze sex appeal. I only wish that I'd gone to that King Arthur premiere in London a few years ago.

It didn't hurt that Inside Man was an excellent movie. Funny, smart and slick, without too much violence. Who knew Spike Lee had it in him?

Interweb: Book Crossing is Killing Me!

Well, it's clogging my inbox, and in this day and age that is just intolerable. It's my 'junk' e-mail address, but I am still questioning whether or not I really need to know that Nicole Brown Simpson: The Private Diary of a Life Interrupted has been let loose in the General Hospital's eye clinic.

For those of you out of the loop, Book Crossing is a website that encourages people to set their books free in a public place after they've read them and alerts them when books have been left in public in their city.

From the site (and, apparently, the Concise Oxford English Dictionary as of 2004):

bookcrossing
n. the practice of leaving a book in a public place to be picked up and read by others, who then do likewise.

Signing up seemed like such a great idea, at first, but after almost a year I have yet to be notified of a single available book that's piqued my interest. Maybe I'm picky, maybe I've started deleting all the e-mails outright. Or maybe it's just that people hold the good ones a lot tighter than the trash. Whatevs*. I promise not to block the messages until I've sought out one single book up for grabs and documented my attempt to hunt it down, in the interests of science. Internet science.

Meanwhile, I patiently await both Cupcake Crossing (no arsenic, svp) and Puppy Crossing (oh, wait, that already exists, and they go to the SPCA. That's really kind of sad. Quebec sucks when it comes to animal welfare).


*My new annoying catch phrase. Give it a few weeks and it'll be gone. I promise. It's just so obnoxious.

Last Night's TV: The Simpsons

Decent episode. The highlights: The dancing cold sore, "You take forever to say nothing," Homer's report on CSI: Miami, every scene the Ricky Gervais' character was in. Awkward trailing off translates into animation, thank goodness (speaking of Sunday animated series, it's nice to know that Seth McFarlane hates the comic strip B.C. as much as I do).

Spring is Sprung

Have more beautiful words ever been written? Forget the fact that no one could have eaten outside this weekend without a heavy coat or nearby trash can fire. The optimism!

I took this photo to show how horrid the spring can be, with the dirty snow melting to reveal sacks of trash and 'dog business.' Also, I figured the graffiti couldn't hurt. Way to lower the property value, guys. But... well, look at it. It's actually kind of pretty. And the weekend was nice and warm and full of people who switch to short sleeves once the thermometer moves into the plusses (I considered doing a 'T-Shirt Countdown' beginning the first day of spring, but then I saw, like, five people in them a day later).

Working for the weekend...

Second Friday blogging anniversary! Yesssssss!

Weekend To Do list:

-Sleep in N's bed while she's in Toronto, then build myself a room within her apartment and live there even after she moves out, like in that weird movie starring Gary Busey (is that redundant, calling a Gary Busey flick 'weird'?). 'You can't lock [me] out. [I'm] already in.'

-Go to a fashion show. Take pictures. Have free drinks. Complain about everything but the free drinks. Before I forget, I figured out why Montreal Fashion Week just does not work: No one in this damn city can get anywhere on damn time (myself included). It's not even a matter of being 'fashionably late' or anything -- we're just lazy. Showing up to a party at two in the morning is one thing. Showing up an hour late for a five-minute fashion show just does not work. Why must we be so laid back and European?

-Take some photos of Montreal's crappy Spring (and that is not completely figurative *shudder*).

-Report on the Plateau's dangerous lack of hipster hair salons and furniture stores.

-Build up the courage to secretly take a photo of that guy who hangs around Crescent and wears an elaborate Scarface leather jacket. It is so fucking beautiful, I know I'll probably drop my camera if I even try. Or the flash will go off, he'll see, and I'll have some 'splaining to do.

Coolest Song of the Day

18 with a Bullet Pete Wingfield (Breakfast Special, 1975)

Some may recognize it from Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels (which I really don't recall having seen. Maybe I ignored it after Snatch left me underwhelmed [insert clever, sexy joke here])



Other cool songs about guns that aren't really about guns:
Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) Nancy Sinatra
Shoot 'em Up Andy Kim
Shot Through the Heart Bon Jovi



Bored of what Pandora is offering up? Little Steven's Underground Garage airs on CHOM 97.7 FM every Sunday night at 10 p.m., right between the hourly airings of Tom Cochrane's "Life is a Highway." Other than Jonathan Goldstein's Wiretap on CBC, it is the best damn show on the radio. I also recommend you check out Steven Van Zandt's personal site, which has stuff on The Sopranos, essays on music, etc. Whatever you think of his choice of headwear, he is kind of a genius.

Consumer Whore (and how!): Find Me a Home

Wouldn't it be nice if I lived in this loft? It's a little more South-East than I'd like, but look at the damn thing (click on the Virtual Tour). So enormous, so sparse, so sterile... I wonder why I like it. Perhaps I could rent it out for photo shoots to help pay the rent. Or turn it into a rollerskating rink on weekends.

Pencil It In: A Very Special Simpsons Episode

The long-awaited ep penned by Ricky Gervais is airing this Sunday, so set your clocks or Tivos or whatever. There is no way this can be bad, people. Even the extras on The Office (UK) DVDs are funnier than most shows on now (especially when Gervais goes on about his idea for a new sci-fi show -- it's called Brain Jail).

If you haven't seen it yet, here's the surreal, live-action opening filmed for the show. Creeepy. Marge and Homer are how one might picture them as real humans (god forbid they ever turn this into a feature-length movie), but since when is Lisa a ginger*?


*For the non-Brits, this means redhead aka minger aka Malachi/Malachette.

Random Hate

People who identify themselves as 'misguided slackers.'

Lazy Paparazzi: Speaking of The Office...

Apparently, the very talented Jenna Fischer aka Pam (does anyone else remember her with bad hair in Undeclared? I loved that show, but holy mother of Jesus the wardrobe was bad. They dressed Monica Keena like a nurse in the maternity ward) has written her latest blog installment for TV Guide from a "quaint little coffee shop" in Montreal. Yes, she's in town working on Blades of Glory, which might actually be decent (unless it's one of those ensemble comedies that has so many talented actors they actually cancel one another out).

Apparently Ms. Fischer loves candy and considers watching Dr. Phil/Oprah/Judge Judy and ordering in a "good day." So far we're two-for-two.

Some more highlights:

"I'm very excited to explore Montreal. They speak a lot of French here. I took French in high school and it was fun trying to watch The Simpsons and King of the Hill in French [hee hee]. My sister Emily is coming for a visit this weekend and we plan to take the city by storm!" [Please don't let that mean the usual Buona-Globe-Time Supper Club spree]

"Yes, there is a casino here. Yes, I plan to go there. Yes, I will be playing poker." [not after she sees all those gambling addiction PSAs that have been plaguing CTV these days. Oh, wait, those are just for VLTs]

You can read it all here. But no stalking. Unless you takes pictures. And send them to me.

They all look the same to me: Adorable Interns

Both are brunettes on the petite side, act on the shows they write for, play characters whose bosses have man crushes on them, and are as cute as buttons!

Ryan (B.J. Novak) on The Office

His crushworthiness was emphasised in the recent Bring Your Daughter to Work episode (in which Stanley's daughter demands his cell number).

You can read a great interview with him here (TWoP's interviews always go above and beyond, since their interviewers obsess about the shows they write about and include every last awkward and funny detail in their transcripts).


Gary aka "The New Poof" (Abraham Higginbotham) on Arrested Development

His role is much smaller (as is he, it seems, which only makes him cuter) than Ryan's, but his brief screen time was funnier than a whole season of Everybody Loves Raymond.

[In case you didn't know, he is sitting on G.O.B.'s lap to help him figure out what's wrong with his chair. The pic comes courtesy of the crack team at The O.P., the AD site Fox never had the balls to make]

Lazy Paparazzi: Sienna Miller?

Can someone tell me what she's done to be an 'It Girl,' and why she shouldn't suffer the same fate as former 'It Girl' Gretchen Mol (Gretchen Who? is right). Other than starring in a few movies no one has seen and partying while wearing leggings and/or formal shorts?

I claim I cannot pick her out of a line-up of plainfaced blondes (or 45-year-old topless, chain-smoking drunken mothers in the case of her Vanity Fair photo).

Could you?







If I may briefly steal from Fame Tracker's Fame Audit

Sienna Miller's Current Approximate Level of Fame: Lindsay Lohan
Sienna Miller's Deserved Approximate Level of Fame: Candace Cameron Bure

Last Night's TV: Heist

Heist is weak weak weak. Trust me. It's like they pieced together Reservoir Dogs, Ocean's Eleven and Out of Sight, then drained the final product of good writing, acting, entertainment, etc. Even the editing is horrid, and that's not usually something one notices ('one' being you people. I see all). Swingers director Doug Liman, what have you done?

Lordy, the hopeless clichés: ballsy female cop, lazy racist Irish cop who'll probably get killed, good hearted black cop with a strong sense of morals (probably from his kindhearted mom), tough woman robber named Lola who speaks with a Brooklyn (?) accent, old guy who seems like a crotchety grandpa but will likely save the day, mimbo who seems useless and will likely foul up then save the day, ultra smooth black robber who likes to give Shaft-inspired speeches.

Please, just skip it. Or at least get something you can fast forward through, like a straight-to-video caper flick with Corey Haim or one of the lesser Baldwins.

[Oh, and did I call Chicken Little getting cut or what?]

"Are you being sarcastic, dude?"

..."I don't even know anymore."

Musical Youth: Mmmbop, mmmkay?

Omigodomigodomigod! Hanson is back, people. And the little one (I say that like I don't know his name. It's Zac) is all growsed up, the middle/androgyne one (Taylor, though his real first name is Jordan, his favourite colour is green and he hates rainy days) has a wife and kids, and the oldest one with the unibrow cut his hair! Yaaaay!

They've got a new doc out called Strong Enough to Break about their struggles with Def Jam and how they started their own record label. Check out the trailer. Tay smokes AND swears. Take that, Tiger Beat!

Why am I mentioning this now? Because it will be screening this Thursday (tomorrow) at -- get this -- Concordia! Yes, that's correct, Montreal's own Gaza Strip. It'll play in the auditorium between a Palestinian-Israeli Reconciliation Club meeting and a Stitch and Bitch party (aka College Experimental Lesbianism 101). It's in H110 at 7 p.m., according to this Myspace page, plus there's supposed to be some webcast thingie after with the boys. You know, I don't care what people say. I went to their concert in high school (I was waaay past their average fan age, but not yet old or jaded enough to attend just for the irony), and they are actually very talented.

Wear your best Hanson tee. Or Backstreet Boys. Or LFO. Or O-Town (speaking of, if you haven't seen former member Ashley Angel's ridiculous new show There and Back about, uh, being a former boy band member on Making the Band, you can check it out on YouTube. It's hilarious. He even drops in on former bandmate Jacob, who now works in construction and has Rob Zombie dreads).

Last Night's TV: Brent got the Boot

Anyone still watching The Apprentice (I preferred the Martha Stewart version -- seeing her and her daughter 'communicate' was like watching a robot teach a corpse how to love) knows that the lone Canadian got cut the other night. About damn time. What I can't figure out is how they managed to pluck an obnoxious, overweight jerk from our best and brightest. That's like making a Canadian reality show and bringing in a healthy, open-minded American. It's just a besmirchment on the nation's character.

American Idol predictions (yes, I'm watching this year): Chicken Little will be cut. Top three: Taylor, Paris and the baldie who will succeed in a band whether he wins or not. It will be called Forsaken or something, and though he won't get all gushy or confrontational about it, yeah, he sings a lot of songs about his love for the Lord, so what?

Consumer Whore (and how!): Finally, I Can Broadcast My Inferiority Complex

If you don't 'get' this hat (or what I'm 'laying down'), go rent and watch the first two seasons of Arrested Development. I have wanted to get this thing made since seeing it in the Spring Break episode with Zach Braff (who, incidentally, spent some time in our fair city last summer while filming Last Kiss. He mostly just smoked and got drunk at the W with Rachel Bilson and that guy from the short-lived dramedy Get Real). While I hardly suffer from low self-esteem and have yet to visit Newport Beach, it is just such a delicious colour of yellow!

But screw Fox Prop Auctions on eBay (milking shows they slowly suffocated -- the gall!). There's a stand in the Eaton's Centre that customizes baseball caps with weaving machine thingies. I've tried having one made there before, but once I went with a vague memory of the hat from the show, the second time I made a crappy sketch from a paused DVD.

Now I've got a photo, so if the teen stoner who works at the place can't fill my order, I'll stitch a curse word into his wiry forearm. If only I could go back in time to 1991, when hats that shape and colour were available for purchase.

Interweb: Celebrities are just like you!

Oh look, it's me.

There I am again.

And again.

Gosh I get around.

Want to know what glamorous celebrities a computer program thinks you look like? Find out at My Heritage. Surprisingly, it's not a neo-Nazi site. It lets you upload photos of yourself and compares them to those in its celebrity database (or you can look up ancestors or something. Bo-ring). About halfway in I realised I have very few flattering, straight-on photos of myself online. So I think the angles of my face in the photos I did use influenced the results. Whatevs. It's a great time killer, and there's nothing like telling your mom that she was a closer match to Max von Sydow than Julie Andrews.

Note: You have to register for the free demo to get results, but fake e-mail addresses are fine.

Overheard in Montreal: What's VHS?

Three Hatian teeenagers are wandering through the VHS
section when one of them spots a Michael Jackson
video. One holds it up for the others to see - his
friends grimace with disapproval.

Defensive Teen: "Non, non - il est BAD!"

--The old HMV Annex on the north-east corner of Ste.
Catherine and Peel, circa 1998

Submitted by DJ Chez Parée

Extra! Extra! Vice 'fesses Up

For those of you who haven't picked up the latest issue of Vice (or have and have yet to read it because a) It's a special issue in a sealed envelope and you want it in pristine condition so you can sell it to nostalgic hipsters in six years, or b) Your love/hate relationship with the little Montreal-born mag forces you to hide it under your bed then only read it 2-3 months after it's come out, so you can be like 'Oh, this? I forgot I even got it that time I went into American Apparel just so I could get the salesguy to list every shade of t-shirt available, from almond to zaffre')...

There's a funny little confession in the Letters to the Editor section. Apparently, most of the February issue was pure fiction (as opposed to the usual 40 percent [zinnng!]) -- they even included a layout with fake vs. real pieces -- which makes me kind of sorry I forced people to read that article on sexually transmitted worms. Bleechhh (as in New Kids On The).

Sure, it was called The Verdad Issue (But who reads the covers? And who knows basic Latin these days?) and some of it was obviously fake (i.e. Short shorts in winter? Chicks carrying briefcases? I was all like 'Whaaatever! Now I've seen everything!') -- I guess I just thought they were being ironic. Or something.

So to apologize to the whole debacle on their behalf, I'll remind you all what a real STD looks like. Scary, isn't it?

[I'll bet plenty of you were scared to follow that link. You thought I was going to send you to some horribly graphic photo of genital warts straight out of a high school MRE textbook. Shame on you. All you have to is Google 'herpes' or 'chlamydia' if you feel like crying, throwing up, then making a vow to remain chaste for as long as you live]

Ipecac Brigade: A Tale of Two Pizzas

As promised, here is the pizza that made my weekend. Originally from Gourmet magazine's March issue aka "Affordable Montreal," the recipe can be found here. It only got three forks/71% approval, but that's all due to the crust. We used premade frozen stuff on the weekend, and I made my own the second time (using the recipe below). Also, Epicurious is full of whiners and people who comment on recipes even after they've changed its ingredients, cooking method, etc. rendering the rating system virtually useless. Note: I added thyme and a bit of balsamic to the original onion pizza and turned the other into a "traditional" North American pizza, with tomato sauce (just canned tomatoes, garlic and herbs, reduced), red peppers and fresh parmesan. That's the one pictured below.

Whole Wheat Pizza Crust
1 tsp white sugar
1 1/2 C warm water
1 tbsp dry yeast
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp salt
2 C whole wheat flour
1 1/2 C flour
Mix the first three ingredients and let stand for 10 minutes, then mix all ingredients and knead until even and glossy (not sticky). Let rise, covered, for one hour. Divide into two balls, then let rise 45 minutes. Roll out both balls onto baking pans greased with olive oil (each rectangle of dough will cover almost one pan). Add toppings. Bake at 425 degrees fahrenheit for 15-20 minutes, until the edges are light brown.

[Let's be honest. Calling something "A Tale of..." when there are two of anything is the lazy way out.]

Apologies: Jean Talon Market, unexposed

So I didn't make it there over the weekend. Or anywhere much, really. Just the uje* places -- Baldwin's, N's couch -- though I did indulge in a delicious caramelized onion pizza. I'll post the (deceptively simple) recipe and pics later on. The original recipe is from Gourmet magazine, originally, so lauding it may not be the best way for me to "show" those folks and Ruth Reichl, as I promised to do earlier. Ah well.

*uje= usual. Like, duh. And while I'm at it, "caj"=casual. Or, on occasion, cashmere.

Requisite St. Patrick's Day Post

Yeah yeah. The Montreal Parade is a big deal, something like the oldest parade in North America, etc., etc. But it's also probably the most popular celebration that no one I know goes to. Sunday morning (aka noon)? And it doesn't even take a detour through the Plateau? Plus no appearance by Santa Claus? That all adds up to me being a no show. Also, I hate the Irish. But I did get to see a seemingly normal businesswoman walking around on Friday strapped to a dozen green balloons. Plus some considerate people lined part of Sherbrooke with half-empty 40s and vomit, so that was nice, too.

I really, really wanted to include a pic of Will Ferrell dressed as a leprechaun (plastic hat, green thong) on Conan, but have yet to track one down. In my own collection of photos. That I use in my blog. All mine. No stealing.

Montreal Fashion: Weak?

To the left: Nadya Toto makes the Baby Jesus cry

I'm still asking, but I'll know for sure by next Saturday. What on Earth could Fashion Week hold in store this March? Raver-inspired PVC dresses? Victorian whites shown during New York Fashion Week of 2001? Niggling doubts over "unfinished" hems and whether they're high fashion or pure laziness? It's all so exciting!
The schedule is here for those of you up for free cocktails, either by gatecrashing (highly recommended) or using the same old tired contacts that get you into every other event in the city.

They all look the same to me: Prison Break vs. Oz

"Help me, Hercules! The cyclops tore off my clothes"


In one of the worst marketing strategies since the "let's only put on ads for Arrested Development during the actual show" campaign, Prison Break is returning tonight on Fox (and Global).

In the last episode, some janitor fixed a pipe or something that kept the gang from breaking out or saving the basement brother* or... hell, I don't know. I only look up when it sounds like Michael's going to check the ol' map i.e. take off his shirt to reveal that hot, hot tattoo. I just know there are businessmen walking around with a tatt that elaborate under their shirts and blazers. But where to find them. And do they have the hypnotizing gaze and perfectly balanced multiracial looks of Wentworth Miller? Doubtful.

Anyway, we'll just see if Canadian audiences are ready to embrace the show after such a long hiatus. And with Oz returning to Showcase's schedule this spring.



"Who needs subtle homoeroticism when you can watch the cop from Law & Order: SVU doing the brother from Weird Science: The Series?"


Oz is everything Prison Break could never be, and was consistently the most underrated show on television during its six-season run. Granted, only about half of those were watchable. Towards the end it just got ridiculous-- O'Reilly with a cell phone? In that place? I can't get mine to work in a doorway. But no matter how insane the storylines were, the prisoners were always hot. And frequently naked. God I loved The Hole. And the fact that Lee Tergesen (aka Beecher) didn't win the Emmy every year he was on is a travesty. In summary, if Michael wound up in Oz, he would have been raped by Schillinger and riding the dragon his first night there.

*basement brother: the less attractive brother to a remarkably attractive man, usually a celebrity. Often, this inferior brother looks quite a bit like his hotter brother, only he's huskier and features that were formerly cute have been warped until rendered ugly. See: Michael Kutcher, Joey Travolta

Lazy Paparazzi: Weekend Movie Face-Off

After watching both She's the Man and V for Vendetta, it occurred to me that Amanda Bynes is a far better actress than Natalie Portman. Granted, Bynes didn't have to fake a British accent, but like they say, if you don't try you can't fail. Miserably. And distract me throughout an otherwise entertaining movie. Though it was a tad long. And I'm not sure how I feel about the pro- terrorism message, on the whole. And was that the same subway stop used in The Matrix? Isn't all this rebellion just useless if they're all living in an artificial reality created by sentient machines?

She's the Man, on the other hand, did right by the underrated drag king gem
Just One of the Guys.

Working for the weekend...

Oh boy, the things I have in store for NEXT WEEK Assuming I don't get distracted and forget about this thing entirely (hey, it happened with that zombie MMORPG. I swear I didn't even know I'd stopped playing until about two months afterwards).

Take that, Gourmet Magazine!
I fully intend to visit Jean Talon market this weekend and buy a bunch of tasty, overpriced cheese. If I manage to get there (rather than convincing myself that 4 Frères has just as fine a selection), I'll be sure to document my findings, Ruth Reichl style. Now what is this thing you call "poutine"?

Montreal Fashion: Weak?
It begins Monday. Ten bucks says that '?' will be a '.' or possibly '!' by Wednesday.

Prison Break vs. Oz
The shirt-optional Fox show returns Monday night after a ridiculously long hiatus-- in fact, it may have been just long enough to get every single one of the show's fans to stop caring about it entirely. Good work, guys! Anyway, there's really no competition between the two. T-Bag wouldn't last five minutes in a cell with Schillinger (that's a soft G, fool) before getting a swastika burned into his butt cheek.

Also, have downloaded Firefox. So that should allow me and my Mac to finally have access to crazy newfangled Blogger buttons like ITALICS and BOLD. Look out, Internet (are we still capitalizing the 'i' in that or what? It seems so old-fashioned. Like why don't I just write 'web log' while I'm at it?).

Random Hate: Tourists

For fear of sounding snarkier than the Vice Guide to Montreal, I'll keep this brief.

I travel frequently and I love tourist dollars, I just wish they were being funneled to businesses East of Crescent St.

It's funny. Sometimes I walk around on Thursdays wondering why the streets seem busier and who all these husky boys with buzz cuts and loud, bleach blondes with Roots bags are. Then I remember, as if for the first time: it's almost the weekend. They must have sprung for a three days, two nights package, and they're heading back to Boston Sunday evening.

I don't really have a problem with them, except for the littering, yelling, puking up dangerously strong Canadian beer, not knowing that you've got to STAND ON THE RIGHT, WALK ON THE LEFT when on an escalator, etc. Mostly, they stick close to their downtown hotels off of Ste. Catherine's and don't venture past the first two blocks of St. Laurent. Like West Islanders.

Also, they should use this blog as a guide to the city. And send me presents.

Ipecac Brigade: Momma Brock's Carrot Cake

Baking is a hobby. Martha is a hero. I've worn aprons out of the house. Want to fight about it?

This recipe is originally from Epicurious, though I tinkered a little-- took out those horrible raisins, healthied it up (hey, if I'm going to eat the entire thing while sobbing into my old prom dress and watching How to Make an American Quilt, I don't want it to do too much damage). Anyway, it's frickin' delicious, and baking on the weekend is just tops. Usually you can trick people into cleaning up the kitchen in exchange for a sample of your wares, so everybody wins!


Momma Brock’s Carrot Cake





4 medium-sized carrots
2 cups flour (white and whole wheat)
1/2 cup bran
1/2 cup rolled oats
2 cups sugar (or substitute)
2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, etc.
1/2 cup oil
1/2 cup applesauce
3 eggs, lightly beaten (or mix of whole eggs and whites)
2 teaspoons vanilla
1 cup chopped walnuts
1 cup shredded coconut (optional)
3/4 cup canned crushed pineapple, drained

Cream Cheese Frosting:
4 ounces cream cheese, softened
3 tablespoons butter, softened
1 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar, sifted
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 tbsp orange zest (optional)


1. Cut 2 carrots into 1-inch dice; place in a saucepan, cover with water and simmer until tender, about 10 minutes. Drain and puree in a food processor or blender. Set aside.
2. Grate the remaining carrots; reserve.
3. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Grease a 9x13-inch baking pan. Line the bottom with waxed paper and grease the paper.
4. Sift the flour, sugar, baking soda and cinnamon into a large bowl. Add the oil, eggs and vanilla; beat well. Fold in the carrot puree, grated carrot, walnuts, coconut and pineapple (sometimes I puree the pineapple with the carrot, for texture, then add some more bran or oats).
5. Pour the batter into the prepared pan. Bake until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 1 hour.
6. Cool the cake in the pan for 10 minutes before unmolding it onto a rack, then let the cake cool completely.
7. Prepare the frosting: Mix the cream cheese and butter together in a bowl. Slowly add the confectioners' sugar. Stir in the vanilla and lemon juice. Frost the cake.
8. File down that index finger.


Here's part of the original recipe: "When you're cooking with veggies, don't overlook dessert!" What are they, retarded? Once you slice it up, this cake is giving you, like, 1/12 of a carrot. Don't fool yourself into believing it's healthy. Sure, I took some of the oil and white flour out, but that's just softening the blow to your arteries.

And I'm just kidding about the whole Ipecac thing. Throwing up perfectly good food on purpose is, to me, how I imagine abortion is to pro-lifers. It just ain't right. Also, so bad for your teeth.

Lazy Paparazzi: Fake David Cross Molested Me

No he didn't. But give it time.

How could I mention a movie with Will Arnett in it (and his lovely, talented wife Amy Poehler-- apparently they're playing an ice skating/dancing, couple) and not hope for David Cross to come up, too? Because with him comes
Fake David Cross or perhaps his French Canadian version, and he's weird, dangerous, and might even get a few of these drunken American college kids off the streets.

Also, if he comes up you can pretend you met him and Photoshop a pic of you guys together using these handy tips.

Psychic Movie Reviewer: Brick

I have a strong feeling this will be one of the coolest movies of the year, and not just because Joseph Gordon-Levitt has blossomed into a beautiful young man (see: Mysterious Skin). It looks a little like Maltese Falcon meets Donnie Darko.

Check out the very cool website here. If you follow the On the In link, it brings you to a message board where you can ask writer/director Rian Johnson questions about the movie and its release (like, say, if it'll ever come to Montreal). There are only a few posts up right now, which is actually a plus since there's a good chance he'll answer your questions quickly and directly. If you're a nerd who gets excited about movies you have yet to see.

Overheard in Montreal: Ask me about 'nam

Two older couples are walking down the street.

Women: We’ll walk behind. We’ll walk three paces behind you guys.
Men: Just like in the Orient.
--Sherbrooke and McGill

Ten bucks says it takes two weeks for this whole thing turns into one big 'Overheard in Montreal' site (it's a rip off of/tribute to Overheard in New York, by the by)

Wish I Was Home: The S.A.T.

From last Saturday:

[Why am I even here? What is this, trance? I don’t even know. I am young and hip and don’t know the difference between trance, techno, house, jukestyle and krizzla. Partly because some of those are made up. But still. I am a failure. I have never, ever spoken to a stranger at this place, and I’ve been quite a few times. I just order my drinks with hand motions and clicking noises. I know NEON took over or something, but then where are all the over-the-top hipsters for me to mock? Oh, right, at Misshapes in NY. And why does Laika keep flashing on the screens? It's bad enough we actually managed to go somewhere OTHER than Laika for the night, it has to follow us here? The last exciting thing that happened here was when that crackhead grabbed a twenty out of S's hand and bent her finger back. I'm so happy I just ended up staying in when I meant to come here last weekend. And the weekend before.]

Lazy Paparazzi: Will Ferrell alive, in Montreal

I managed to miss the whole "Will Ferrell died paragliding" hoax, from start to finish, so I went through exactly zero stages of grief (and relief). Phew. Ditto for ol' Slobie Milosevic. Minus the hoax.

Apparently, he was spied eating somewhere on Roy street the other day -- with G.O.B. Bluth, no less -- and if Doug Camilli claims it's true, that's good enough for me. They're in town filming Blades of Glory, a comedy (natch) about two men competing as a pair in the 2002 Olympic ice skating competition. I don't care what the hell the original script looked like. A hundred bucks says there'll be Brokeback Mountain jokes up the yin yang (bwahahahaaaaa). With a little luck, it will be free from such unoriginal double entendres.

I'd pray for the absence of a Ben Stiller cameo, too, but he "hates Montreal" . Boooo. I hate it, too, but I'm not putting film crews out of work.


[Looks like I got those link tags working, after all. Top of the world, Ma! Top of the world!]

Overheard in Montreal: This explains a lot

Leathery Woman: I've got to start eating more carrots.
Paler Woman: Why?
Leathery Woman: They give you a nice tan. A glass of carrot juice a day. It's great in winter. Gives you a nice orange tan.
--Westmount YMCA locker room

Here I thought the whole 'spray tan' thing was taking off.

I Heart Culture: Chinaworld

"Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown. Well, more like Chinablock. Or Chinastreet. Dim Sum District?"

Whatever it is, a friend (Chinese, incidentally, but who's counting?) recently commented that the beautiful gates raised his expectations a tad too high.

It used to be such a magical place. I remember being about 11 and driving through on the way to a nearby theatre (to see a young friend acting in An Enemy of the People with none other than R.H. Thompson aka Road to Avonlea's Jasper Dale) when my girlfriend in the car cried out in wonder: "What IS this place? Chinaworld? Asiatown?" I continue to use those lovely terms (as does she, most probably).

Unless I come up with something better, "I Heart Culture" is going to be my header for commentary on Montreal, uh, culture (neighbourhoods, festivals, highly charged political demonstrations). It's funny because so many McGill students and tourists (same thing, I suppose) looove Montreal culture. But that's where their love affair ends.

PoliSci Major: I'm happy I moved out of the dorms and into the McGill Ghetto*. I looove Montreal so much.
Me: Oh yeah? [I was a schoolyard bully in a past life]
PoliSci Major: Yeah! It's got such great culture!
Me: Tell me about it. What else?
PoliSci Major: Just... you know. The culture! We don't have culture like this in [Hamilton/Ottawa/Vermont/etc.].
Me: So nothing in particular? The greek pastry shops? The weekly Hare Krishna parade?
PoliSci Major: Yeah! Those are good, too!

Occasionally you'll get the old "It's sooo European!" comment cribbed from an online travel guide, but that's about it.

*"McGill Ghetto" is really a term worthy of Ambrose Bierce. More on that later...

I christen thee...

This charming cartoon is from the short animated film Rejected, which I saw at last year's fabulous (albeit underfunded) FantAsia Film Fest.

It begins with a title card reading:

"In the spring of 1999, the Family Learning Channel commissioned animator
Don Hertzfeldt to produce promotional segments for their network.
The cartoons were completed in five weeks.
The Family Learning Channel rejected all of them upon review,
and they were never aired..."

which I fully believed, even as I watched cartoon stick figures complaining about their bleeding anuses and exclaiming 'I am a consumer whore!' I can be quite gullible, despite my skeptical nature. I read Fight Club and saw Sixth Sense in the same month, and haven't trusted anyone since.

Here's the site of the Rejected filmmaker:
http://www.bitterfilms.com/rejected.html

Here's the site for the FantAsia Film Fest, motto: It's not just for lonely Japanimation fans anymore!
http://www.fantasiafest.com/

Other highlights from last year's fest:

Three... Extremes- Is it wrong that I went for dim sum shortly after (note to self: must write post on Montreal's embarrassingly small Chinatown)?

2001 Maniacs- The Hills Have Eyes with the cast of Saved by the Bell.

Reeker- Luckily, no smell-o-vision on this one. Still, surprisingly funny and entertaining for a teenie kill pic.

Shutter- Another year, another Asian horror with a creepy, dark-haired child villain. But this one's Thai! And pretty good (despite its three or four 'twist' endings). And slated for a 2007 U.S. remake.

Soon I will learn how to write code. I promise. Really, that is a promise to myself, as this is my very first post and no one is reading this.