I Heart Culture: MUTEK

Finally, I'm mentioning something in advance. It's the day of and invitation only, but I still feel good about myself. There are cocktails tonight at Ex-Centris to mark the opening of the seventh edition of MUTEK. It's an international music fest I've never been to before (I don't think) and probably won't take part in this year, but I'll be damned if I'm goign to pass up free drinks and food (god I hope there's food -- it's in collaboration with 'le Restaurant le MISTO, Univin et la Brasserie McAuslan,' so one of them's gotta be giving out spring rolls and something shrimp-based.

'Regroupant plus de 70 artistes d'ici et d'ailleurs, la programmation comporte plusieurs têtes d'affiche et recèle, fidèle à sa tradition, son lot d'innovations, offrant aux festivaliers 5 jours d'immersion totale dans l'univers de la création numérique et de la musique électronique.'

Like I said, I'm crossing my fingers for vodka (or at least decent wine) and shrimp.

As if this weren't cultural enough, there's a show at La Sala Rossa at 8:30 for the new CD by the Sweatshop Tango Ensemble. Sure I don't dance and have already heard them on several occasions -- I gotsta support the community. But by god that guy second from the left looks like a jerk. Just the sort of guy who doesn't appreciate good movies, and that you wouldn't want stuck in a room with one of your best friends...

Batwoman's Back

Not that I'm a big comic book fan, but I know my share of nerds. According to this article on the BBC website, Batwoman's being brought back for a graphic novel, and she's gonna be a lipstick lesbian. Does this mean she gets her own nubile ward(ess?)? Can she do it with Batgirl, or is that just her younger self (hmm, maybe through time travel or something, when the writers get really desperate, in every sense of the word)?

Extra! Extra! Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

The smoking ban goes into effect at midnight tonight in Toronto and Montreal aka 'Canada's Ashtray' (a guy from Alberta said other Canadians call us that. I cried when he told me). Montrealers won't notice it until September when the terraces close up and smokers realize that they'll have to venture outside in the snow, sleet, other weather conditions only postal workers are expected to endure. Then the riots will begin. Concordia's Jewish/Palestinian wars ain't got nothin' on thousands of cold, angry smokers.

Here's a video from the good old days:

Last Night's TV: Canadian Idol

So am I going to watch this or not?

Fer: Am suffering from American Idol withdrawal, patriotiotic duty, first rounds are more embarrassing than Simon Cowell could ever dream of, can actually recognize one winner's name (Kalan Porter, love child of a cherub and Sideshow Bob) and think he may be doing all right.

Agin: Don't actually know any of Porter's music, Ben Mulroney makes Ryan Seacrest seem witty and suave, no Simon Cowell (and the angry white guy judge's insults sound petty and sad), there's obviously no budget for Sass Jordan's hair and make-up, the horrid rap theme song, their standards are mad low, some contestant tried out for the fourth time only to let one rip on camera (and then made it to Toronto!), embarrassment to the nation, etc.

Why is my life sooo difficult?

I Heart Culture: But Damn I'm Ignorant

So, uh, apparently Sunday was Free Museum Day in Montreal. Or something. Well nobody told me. If only there were some sort of online reference guide for things going on about town... A girl can dream, can't she?

We Was Robbed!

I mustn't dwell on this, but Ill Paré and I really coulda been contenders the other night at the (remarkably nice but very, very muggy) Union Française. We got kind of trounced in our first round (assuming people could tell which team was which-- every time I had to 'vote' with applause, I had no idea who the hell was playing what), but I swear to god I have no idea what the other team was even playing that was getting such a big crowd reaction. Maybe it was the theme song to some, uh, Quebecois show I don't watch? Whatevs. It was no 'Baby Got Back.' Now I can't wait for pics to crop up online (and what TV show or website were we drunkenly interviewing for?), 'cause we was looking fi-i-ine. And also, a little creepy.

Overheard in Montreal: The Out-of-Towners

Alberta Woman: What? Are you sure?
Alberta Girl: Yeah, we learned about it in class. It comes from trees.
Alberta Woman: Maple syrup?
Alberta Girl: Uh huh.
Alberta Woman: Well I wonder what they'd get from a pine tree.

--Chez José

Working All F-ing Weekend

Ugh. I'd kill for an internet Friday right now. Instead, I've got to use the damn thing for actual work. All damn weekend! To do:
-Meet with Ill Paré to plan a killer set for SATURDAY NIGHT (see post below about the iPod off).
-Write some crap about stuff for work.
-Shout out to Princess L, yo! Keep on keeping on with those crazy reality TV dreams of yours!
-Add more stuff to the garbage and clothes farm I've started in my bedroom.
-Make contact with some 'little people' (that's dwarves/midgets to you insensitive clods) and ask them about their sex lives.
Sigh. This is the life I chose to lead...

Video of the Day: Are you High?

Because the people who made this video obviously were. The difference between them and regular folk is that they actually went out and made the silly skit they thought up while smoking a bowl instead of falling asleep and forgetting about it completely. You may recognize the guy with tiny hands from tons of weird Conan O'Brien skits. And the shop keep is everyone's favourite curmudgeon, David Cross aka Tobias Fünke.

Click on the video and it'll take you to more adventures in the life of this poor, poor man.

Interweb: What the Bouncer Really Thinks of You

Have I ever mentioned how much I love reading the blog Clublife? It's written by a remarkably articulate New York City doorman (<-- I'm sooo judgmental). Occasionally he comes off as a bit of a dick, but can you imagine the kind of shit he has to put up with (and if you can't, all the more reason to read his blog)? You may get hit on at a club after last call, but he gets hit on, hit, thrown up on, yelled at, and assaulted both physically and by being forced to watch and listen to 'Guidos' (aka Ginos) blasting house music in their Escalades with a couple of crack whores in the back. I do wonder what clubs he works at (he refers to them as 'two of New York's most popular' and I believe him), not that I really go to clubs anymore. Well, maybe in New York, but from my experience (or N's, to be more specific), the bouncers seem to like getting hit on...

A blog sample. A blample:

"Yo, what up, dog?"
"How ya doin..."
"Yo, where you been, man? I thought'chu quit or sump'in!"
"Ummm...no," I reply. "I took last Saturday off."
"Word? Well, we missed you, dog..."
"How sweet."

You missed me did you, Guido? On the real, yo? I doubt it. Let's put an end to this little charade of ours, shall we? I make you as nauseous as you make me, which is quite some hell of a lot. And I know I make you sick, because every time I toss one of you little cock-bags out, you'll make certain to tell me, and all of my coworkers, how little we're worth in your grand Guido perception of the universe.

"Yo, look at'cho shoes, n---a! My shoes cost mo than yo car! Yo, I gots a G, yo! I'll buy you, muthafucka!"

But, every week, twice, sometimes thrice per week, we'll play this game. This social, social game. The handshake, the half-hug-to-a-forearm shiver, the pointless banter about the weather, and the bitches, and the "vibe in the room."

[Sigh. I wish my blog was more focused. I've barely mentioned any fags, at least not in any way that has to do with their sexuality, and not a single handbag!]

Psychic Movie Reviewer: Borat

No trailer yet, but if this photo and all the rave reviews on imdb (that's the Internet Movie DataBase -- I can't believe there are still people who don't know that) are any indication, it's going to be great. Of course, the funniest user comment is the one that only gave it one star:

'I got to see this movie last night at a screening. I have some friends who had already seen it and loved it. Well, I couldn't be so fortunate. Its amazing that a Jewish person (Cohen is Jewish) could make such an anti-Semitic film. I know people will say that I do not see the irony of the humor - but it really goes too far. Here's what is said (and done) in the movie:

1) Jews caused 9/11 (he doesn't want to get on a plane and says, "maybe the Jews will cause another 9/11 while we are on-board")
2) There is a "running of the Jew" similar to the running of the bulls where people run down the street being chased by a giant cartoon like Jewish person - the female then lays an egg on the street to which everyone screams "kill the Jew egg before it hatches" and all the kids go and smash it
3) Borat stays in a bed and breakfast of a Jewish family. He stays up late at night afraid the Jews will kill them. He claims that the husband and wife have transformed into new creatures to which they show cockroaches walking on the ground. He immediately jumps up and claims they are the Jews and starts throwing dollar bills at them and screaming at them to leave.'

Like I said, it looks like a winner! Too bad it only opens in November.

Last Night's TV: American Idol Live Blogging

Everyone’s live blogging right now, so why not me? Oh, right, because I’m not watching AI live. And also, was too lazy to go get my laptop so I just jotted some notes on a scrap of paper. But here they are, so enjoy!


-This is going to be a looong two hours, but at least I can skip the commercials. Also, am happy I don’t know who the winner is. Really, what did I think would happen on my way home from X-men:The Final Stand? Kids would be yelling about it on the bus? Shouting the winner’s name from rooftops?
- Daaamn. Why did they eliminate Paris again?
-Chris sings with Live and looks just like the band’s lead singer. Mumble mumble mini me joke mumble.
-Can I change my vote to Mary J. Blige and Eliot for the next American Idol? Their One duet actually sounded amazing.
-I hate to say this, but Meatloaf is going to die. Soon.
-God, Carrie Underwood is as boring as a sack of nail clippings.
-Crazy Rhonetta is a star (but what a lame, staged, swear-filled acceptance speech for her ‘Golden Idol’). Someone set her up with Flava Flav. Now.
-Ouch, Taylor got screwed. Toni Braxton looks like she let Paula give her an ‘Aspirin’ backstage, and her voice is so low only lip readers know what she’s singing. And it sure as hell ain’t the lyrics. Ah well, just makes him look better, I guess. No it doesn’t.
-I love that they’re letting people from the early rounds (e.g. the Clay Aiken wannab) go on stage to show how much talent it really takes to perform up there. Did these people seriously think they had what it takes to perform in front of millions of people? bAlso, Clay has a pretty good voice. A shame he looks like a lesbian.
-Burt Bacharach. More fodder for the theory that Coca Cola and Ford are after the Baby Boomer demographic.
-I totally forgot about that girl with the streaky hair and the great dane face.
-Male bonding! Yesss! Oh Seacrest, the show’s producers do listen to your ideas.
-Someone set the naïve cowboy up with Kellie Pickler (whose ignorance has gone from endearing to irritating. Ha ha ha, she doesn’t like to try new things! Ha ha ha, every way is wrong but whatever she learned in her small town!). I swear he could get her pregnant and she’d give birth to a brain tumour.
-PRINCE!!! OMG!!! WTF? ROFLBBQINVU4URAQT!!! Damn he could teach them about performing, and you’ve got to love that smug little smile he gave at the end like: ‘Still got it, bitches.’
-Wow, this last duet by McPhee and Hicks has them looking like they’re already over the hill and singing on a cruise line.
-Tay-lor! Tay-lor! Tay-lor! (I refuse to yell ‘Soul Patrol.’ Must I believe in personal existence beyond the physical self to enjoy his Joe Cocker-style singing and adorable potato head?) Mommy really DID back a winner! First time for everything. I can now rest easy.

Interweb: How to Date a Millionaire

'Honey, if you wear those oversized pink shorts in public again I'm logging on to Millionaire Match and finding myself a golddigging whore.'

Why was I not told about Millionaire Match sooner? Not for myself, of course (I only care for the incidentally independently wealthy, not the billion-dollar braggarts), but to pass along the info to J and S, who once ventured out of Richmond, UK on a quest for Sugar Daddies and made it as far as the Chinese restaurant down the street.

And I quote (and misquote, for my own amusement):

Q. What is MillionaireMatch.com?

A. MillionaireMatch.com is the place where you can meet millionaires, who are searching for their special someone. It works hard to find an ideal partner for millionaires who have not been able to do so through conventional methods [i.e. lapdances at Scores]. Save your time and money and meet someone successful you would want to spend your life with.

Q. Who is not a millionaire?

A. Anyone who earns less than $150,000 or more a year. [What? Since when? I hate math now more than ever]

Q. If I am not a millionaire, how do I benefit from MillionaireMatch.com? [so young, so naive]

A. Many highly successful people are in search of someone for a quality relationship in their life, the same as you. MillionaireMatch.com helps you meet those people to form a successful relationship. As you well know, a sound relationship at home makes for more successes in the business arena. [What? I'm beginning to think this is just a big Beards R Us or maybe I Need A Nanny But Can't Risk One Who'll Go March In Some Immigration Rally So No Foreigners, Okay? matchmaking service]

Q. What's the difference between MillionaireMatch.com and an escort service?

A. The name that shows up on your credit card receipt. We're the online equivalent of the brown paper wrapper!

Q. What percentage of the site's millionaires are actual millionaires?

A. Zero's a percent.

Last Night's TV: Mommy Backed a Winner

Taylor kicked all kinds of ass in the final two face-off, while whatsherface ended the night on a low note (which she had plenty of trouble hitting) singing some song about destiny and dreams and makin' it big that sounded exactly like the kind of thing she'll be singing in her off-Broadway debut next year.



House, M.D. was silly but watchable (what a shock). Though I watch it from time to time and Mad TV is pretty damn bad, this parody is so spot on, the real show could pretty much use the fake, expository lines and no one would notice.

Mark Your Calendar: iPod Battle

Date: May 27
Time: 9 p.m.
Where: L'Union Française (429 Viger St E)
What: Me and Ill Paré (I'm sooo disappointed that they didn't use our DJ names on the flyer. How else will people know how witty I am?) getting drunk and playing either a bunch of great crowd pleasers (e.g. Prince- Erotic City, Journey- Don't Stop Believin' or anything else YOU THINK WE SHOULD PLAY) or just different cover versions of Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" and laaaughing.

Here are the rules from A Fly Is On The Wall. I'm going to have to get someone to read them all and explain them to me in 20 words are less. I thought I just had to plug in my iPod and make a 'raise the roof' motion.

Teams
Each team consists of 2 players.

Equipment
Each team has a mixer with two inputs: L-R.
Each team must bring at least one ipod (or any other type of mp3 player) and a pair of headphones.
Laptops are not permitted. [Booooooo]

First round
Teams will be picked at random.
When the battle begins, the first team will play their choice of music ranging from 60 to 90 seconds.
Afterwards, the competing team replies by asking the other team to turn down their volume in order to play their choice of music. [Asking? What? Like, politely tapping on a mic' and going 'Uhh, excuse me? Excuse me? Is this thing on?]
A team that do not turn down the volume will get a penalty.
One fight includes 10 musical rounds, 5 by team.
The winner will be determined right after the fight by the crowd as measured by a sound level meter. [I hope it's as good as the one that used to be on that game show Street Smarts that came on after Elimidate. I think it was made of cardboard]

The elimination
The final team (comprised of all the winners) goes in the ring at the same time.
A mystery Ipod with unknown content is brought into the boxing ring. [This is just great. I hope it's on a huge podium and has lasers pointed at it]
The MC randomly picks a team member, gives the ipod to the participant, who, in turn, will have 90 seconds to reply.
When each team will have played, the MC will ask the crowd to vote for the 2 best candidates, who will then compete against each other.
The rules of the final match are the same as for the first round.
The winning team will be invited to the next edition of the Ipod Battle.

I Am Somewhat Fond of New York

Let's see...

-Go cooorn! I was sure Molly was overraving (new word, created by me. Be sure to give me credit when you use it, folks) about the corn appetizer at Cafe Habana, but damn it was good (and worth the hour-long wait i.e. drinking at a bar around the corner). It's Mexican, apparently, boiled then barbecued, then coated in a powdered cheese and chili mix and topped off with a dash of lime juice. Mmmm. Everything we ate afterwards (or tried to eat-- no one had any room, even after one cob) just paled in comparison. Next time I go, I'm going to have three mojitos and some corn, then go find some ice cream.

-Also, homemade Iranian food (especially Ash-e-Reshteh) is delicious.

-The Child is undeniably adorable, but am relieved to report that while I did fawn and coo, there was no stirring of real, immediate maternal yearnings in my robot heart.

-Southampton was a mix of fab and overrated, as usual. The good: yard sales (I finally got a painting of a clown crying), consignment shops and deer. The bad: Deer ticks, a cold beach, and did N and I really pay $10 U.S. for two ice cream cones? [UPDATE: In case you don't already hate humanity enough, there's a brand new Hamptons Blog. It should be just as compelling as a 14-year-old's MySpace page or a stack of letters sent home from a posh sleepaway camp]

-Stopped at the border for an hour: racial profiling! Molly, S, N and me passed the time by playing Childhood Charades, which had us acting out 'After School Snack' (string cheese, Fruit Roll-Ups) and 'Favourite '80s Game' (after Skip It and Pogo Ball, we really had nowhere to go).

-Oh fuck, I forgot to get the mango slicer. Priorities, dammit!

Working for the (four-day) Weekend

I thought I'd put Loverboy on hold just this once and post a pic of fellow Canadians Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling (aka the cute one from Breaker High. You know, the YTV show where they went to school on a boat and visited 'countries around the globe' aka horrible sets populated by walking stereoty... oh. You've never seen it? Carry on). Aren't they precious? Silly billies, Americans aren't afraid of Caucasian immigrants. FYI, a friend of a friend waited on them at a restaurant in Ontario and said their relationship is the real deal, lovebirds, etc. Doesn't it make you want to vomit? I mean, more than that time Gosling wore that shirt that said 'Darfur' to the MTV Movie Awards?

So it's off to New York. Jealous? Yooou're jealous. But don't be -- it's supposed to rain all weekend. Boooo. I'll have to drown my sorrow in drinks and c-list celebrity sightings (oh, who am I kidding? I'd have to start looking at people's faces to recognize them, friends and family included).

Lazy Paparazzi: Prop Auction

Please. Someone. Go to California and attend the Bluth Family Estate Sale and pick me up some precious Arrested Development memorabilia, like the trick casket G.O.B. used at his dad's 'funeral' or the sign for the Milford Academy (pictured left, god I am such a lil' news scamp). It's from Friday, May 19 to Sunday, May 21 at 2032 Stoner Avenue, Los Angeles, CA 90025. Begins at 8 a.m., but the memories will last a lifetime...

Consumer Whore (and how!): Mango!

Note to self: Find time to buy this mango pitter at Crate & Barrel while in New York, in between seeing the new spawn, buying up Trader Joe's (I'm so white trash) and going to the Hamptons (which will surely require an extra special blog entry, or maybe one for each stupid local business, from Ye Olde Ice Cream Factory to The Crappiest Bar In America But Where Else Are You Going To Go In Your Dad's Bentley Get A $15 Drink While Wearing Your Lacoste Shirt, Tchad?).

[Looking over this post, that pic seems kind of dirty, doesn't it? But I swear it's for what it says it is, unlike some of those cheaper electric 'massagers' from the 1970s]

Snakes On A Plane Countdown

Three months to go, dammit. I'll try not to plug this thing more than twice before the actual premiere, but I just had to highlight these two videos.
The first is one of many, many fan trailers put together using the few clips and stills that have been released so far (expect these to get much better once more footage is leaked online). You have to love Samuel L. Jackson's last line, which was added because of fan demand. Watch out, it's a bit loud. Also, a bit blurry, though I'm pretty sure I can make out Jackson BEATING SOMEONE WITH A SNAKE. God I hope that's what it is.


The next video is with the director of Snakes On A (Paper) Plane. I like it because it reminds me of the Daily Show's Great Moments in Punditry (as read by children). If you think the actual interviews with the actual director are going to be any more enlightening...


I can't wait until real trailer is released. Nerds everywhere will mash it up into a feel-good family flick set to Solsbury Hill if it's the last thing they do.

Last Night's TV: Taylor Trucks On

As I (and my esteemed colleague B) have mentioned, Taylor Hicks is literally the only Idol we could actually fathom going to see in concert. Ever. I just wish they'd given him more time to sing Springsteen's Dancing In The Dark last night. Him singing the line 'You sit around getting older, there's a joke here somewhere and its on me' was classic. Dammit, if McPhee wins, I'll wring her neck 'til she learns to hold a damn note. Hell. Damn.

Interweb: Archie Through The Ages

Check out a piece from The Onion called Decade By Decade With Archie Comics about how Archie and the gang reflected the world around them through their wacky fashions and crazy storylines about how Reggie thinks he'll get chicks since he's so good at skiing/rollerskating/disco but as it turns out they all flock to Archie's side after he twists his ankle ('cause he's so bad at it, see). Now will someone please explain to me why the writers use real celeb names half the time (Michael Jackson, Bruce Springsteen) and insanely lame rip-offs the other half (Michael Jackstone, Brent Springsong)? Also, this article totally should have covered the comics after the 1980s. Hilarious jokes about Friends haircuts and Tom Cruise movies. And what about now? Does Archie listen to Scarlet 5 and Whitney Stears on his iPlod? The people have a right to know!

Consumer Whore (and how!): Best Stamp Ever

I know a few people who could use one of these Honesty Stamps (myself included). They also come in 'All I ask for is one last chance' and 'In all my life I've never met anyone as beautiful as you' (both perfect for A, I think, or any lazy lothario in your life). I'm just saying, they would save a lot of hand cramps.

Interweb: Online Predator Alert

If you see this man, consider him creepy and lecherous. He goes under the name Mdlagent47 and likes to pick up little girls using his G5 webcam. He told me I was super pretty and had what it takes to be a famous model. Then he molested me.

Video of the Day: Kiefer vs. Xmas Tree

There was some gossip a while back about Kiefer Sutherland asking permission to take down a hotel lobby Xmas tree in London (no doubt a terrorist suspect). Finally, some footage from the event. He really IS a pirate. An extreme pirate. Plus you've got to love the satisfied look on his face after the clip is shown and his humble 'thank you.' What a guy. I'm going to be totally sad when he drinks himself to death.

Lazy Paparazzi: Eating With Everwood

In perhaps the laziest edition of Lazy Paparazzi, B and I found ourselves dining next to a table of obnoxious Americans this weekend only to discover that two of them were members of the (possibly) ill-fated WB series Everwood -- Emily VanCamp (girl in centre) and Chris Pratt (husky blond behind her, I think). It was B who recognized them (hey, just because I wrote about the show's season finale doesn't mean I've ever actually seen an episode) and proceeded to stare like a regular Stalky McFanboy. For shame, B. For shame.

Highlights of their/our night:
-Pratt demanding 'The finest bottle of wine' (snort) for VanCamp's birthday
-VanCamp saying 'Chri-i-isss!' after he poured some wine on the floor
-One of the girls asking about the vegetarian option then responding 'I don't know what that is'
-the three girls and then the two boys (no Ephram the Retarded Rabbit, sadly) taking bathroom breaks together (alas, I couldn't find any funny-looking traces of powder anywhere when I went later on)

Dinner, btw, was delicious, though I probably would have been happy with just the foie gras x 5 followed by the hot/cold chocolate dessert. And some of the guinea hen. And all the wine. Damn Les Remparts for making everything I ate the next day taste like dog food (quashing B's earlier statement: 'My theory is... you like dog food.' No. He never said that)

[UPDATE: Looks like that was an Everwood farewell supper after all. Can't they just merge the cast/storyline with One Tree Hill or something and call it Pretty White Kids... With Problems? (stealing from Mad TV circa 1999. Classy.)]

Consumer Whore (and how!): My Kids Need Wine!

My new favourite wine is Oyster Bay's Sauvignon Blanc Marlborough (Nouvelle-Zélande, 2005- the year may be off). And I find oysters repulsive, so this was a real revelation to me.

Wouldn't it be great if someone wrote a blog keeping track of good and bad wines from the dep and the SAQ (perhaps including a road trip to the Niagara Region vineyards once in a while)? You know, for the common folk to check before heading out for booze? Not me, I'm far too busy and don't drink enough, but maybe N or B. Hmmm? You could call it Drunk on a Dime.

Working for the Weekend

I don't plan on doing too much this rainy weekend (other than seeing Art School Confidential then going to the new candy store on St Laurent and stealing/buying that giant ice cream cone in the window), so I'm overcompensating with a great Loverboy pic. There is a full moon though, so you know, watch it. Lots of crazies come out then. Crazies who read their horoscopes every day and forward you crap from fictitious kids with cancer.

Last Night's TV: Flavour of Love

Witness a tiny, verrry subdued sample of Flavour of Love, (my new favourite) dating show starring Flava Flav, the 40-something, ginormous clock-wearing former Public Enemy member as he looks for love among the stable of nasty hos sleeping in his (?) mansion. In this episode, all the girls dress waaay conservatively as they attend church with Flav and his sweet old ma. He is, naturally, in a white tux w/ tails (held by his trusty manservant).

Extra! Extra! Hicks is a Pothead!

According to this Court TV article, the only American Idol I would ever see in concert was once arrested on charges of marijuana possession. A bluesman smoking doobs? I'm just as surprised as you are. But I quote:

'According to the Star, Hicks - then a student at Auburn University -- was driving a Ford Explorer when a state trooper stopped him for a traffic violation. "When I approached the vehicle I detected the odor of marijuana. When the subject opened the glove box to get tag receipt, a wood pipe fell out," Trooper Jason Black wrote in his report. "The subject said it was a 'pot pipe.' The subject was placed under arrest, read his rights and placed in my patrol vehicle. The subject told me he had marijuana in the vehicle and that he was going to the beach and that it was just for personal use."'

No wonder he looks so happy. In the words of Strangers With Candy's Mr. Jellineck: 'All I’m saying is, if you still want to smoke pot, be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends.'

Interweb: Beyond 'Beyond D'Oh!'

In honour of The Onion's recent feature Beyond "D'oh!": Simpsons Quotes For Everyday Use, I've compiled a list of my own favourite witticisms from Groening and that bastard team of Harvard grads. It's heavily edited, natch, as an estimated 78% of the sentences I speak are direct quotes from The Simpsons (the rest are Family Guy, Arrested Development, and Heathers, with some Psalms thrown in). I'm not going to provide a context for them, out of laziness and because you should already know what episode they're from. Do feel free to add comments with your own oft-used lines!

Aaand here we go:

'Cheers to [insert cheer-worthy noun here]. Jeers to [insert cheer-worthy noun here].'
Even if you only mean to praise something, look around quickly or think something up to jeer. E.g. 'Cheers to this ice cream cake! Jeers to... Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his recent anti-Semitic comments.'

'Look at my range!'
For desperate situations, from job interviews to bad break ups. Plead your case and you're sure to snag the roles of Angry the Crown, Silly Sailor, and Dr. Clownius (you may, however, have to say goodbye to the coveted role of Crispy the Clown).

'Ow! My groin!'
Note: Must be done in a George C. Scott voice. Same thing goes for 'Looks like it's back to jail for me!' with Tim Allen grunts or Charles Bronson's 'I wish I was dead.'

Someone you know looking a bit down?
'He probably misses his old glasses.'

'Way to breathe, no breath.'
Good for whenever anybody fails at anything (not just trying to fog up a convenience store freezer, sans soul)

This one's a good test: Compliment someone by saying: 'You're so learned [LEARN-id].'. If she replies: 'It's pronounced learned [LERNED]', why, you've got a friend for life!

'Kippahs fer brekfust? Is it Saint Swivvins day already?'
or any other lines from Bart's crazy play. Great for annoying people, especially Brits.

'Don't have a cow, man/Eat my shorts!'
So painfully unfunny, they're funny again! But you've got to do them the way Lisa does in the episode with Christina Ricci where they rent a beach house in Little Pwagmattasquarmesettport (an episode that also provided the unforgettable 'Like, you know, whatever.')

'Monkeys point!' [done while slapping away someone's hand]. Extra points to anyone who whimpers back: 'Monkeys cry.'

Self explanatory, I hope: 'There was something else... something I was supposed to tiptoe around...'

The only way to court a lady or gent:
'Can I lick your fingers? Meet me at the mailbox' or 'My shirt's chafing me [followed my a similar complaint regarding your pants].'

Some more gems to be used when and whenever you please:
'Like Urkel!'
'I'm going to scream so loud the whole county will hear!' [recommended by Ill Paré]
'Hey fun boys, get a room' [in German accent]
'Uh oh spaghetti-os!'
[In a stage whisper] 'I think he's talking to you.'
'Stupid babies need the MOST attention!'
'My sodie's too cold. It hurts my teef' and 'Here's you!' [holding up badly drawn picture with stink lines]
'Uh…Jesus?' This would be perfect for Jeopardy when you've just got no clue.
[while sighing] 'Yes, I'm going to marry a carrot.'
Any Poochie quote (or just end sentences with '…to the EXTREME!')
'My son is also named Bort.'
'Tungsten!'
'I'm just [pause] one man.'
'Could we Rastafy him by 10 percent' [submitted by Paul Phelps, to be used in business meetings]
Lastly, while using someone's precious computer, bang at the keyboard and demand to know if it's on the Internet.


On the flip side...
these lame, lame quotes smack of effort. They are spouted by frat boys and lazy teens who like to watch early seasons of The Simpsons when Bart did cool tricks on his skateboard and got into trouble and stuff, before the show got all political.

'I am so smart! S-M-R-T!'
Ha ha haaaaa. Irony! I get it!

'Meowmeowmeowmeow!'
This is one even idiot girls in my old high school hummed, so naturally, it's dead to me.

The Mr. Plow song.
I know, Family Guy's Stewie already railed against it. Seriously, if you want to show off your Simpson-quoting skills (as well as the fact that you've got way too much time on your hands), at least learn the lyrics to Senor Plow.

'Mmmm, donuts [or any type of food]'
See, it's cause he likes donuts. On the other hand, licking your lips slowly and saying 'Liver and onions!' is perfectly all right.

Ralph Wiggum quotes.
He was way funnier when they didn't base whole storylines around him. Now he's gotten way too commercial ['They've forgotten it's supposed to be about the grammar' Another gem!]. Mittens, paste, fingers in noses, I don't even care anymore. I can't believe I used to go out with him.

'I didn't do it.'
Unless done as a group as part of the 'I Didn't Do It Dancers,' or followed by 'Woozle wozzle?' I'll die happy after I see a stand-up comic bomb and say that into the mic after a long, painful pause.

Also, I just plain dislike Professor Frink (probably because I despise Jerry Lewis and his woman-hating ways). Any mention of 'Joey Jo Jo Junior Shabadoo' is kind of done, too.

Just remember the golden rule of quoting The Simpsons. You know you're quoting it. They know you're quoting it. But no one ever talks about it (blogging is another matter). 'cause nothing ruins a conversation like some jerkass saying: 'Hey, that's from The Simpsons, right? Man, I love that show! Like, who can even figure out what state they live in? What's up with that?'

Video of the Day: A New Superhero Movie

God, when will Hollywood just stop reinventing all the comic book and videogame characters from my youth?

Interweb: My New Favourite Site

Tired of killing time by Googling random crap? Find out what other lazy people have been Googling over the past couple of years using Google Trends. Search for a word (or person, or place name) and get back a nifty chart that shows you when and how much it has been Googled and how often it (or he/she) has turned up in news items. It also tells you the top ten cities and regions the searches have come from.

Observe the trend history for Ryan Seacrest searches:
Apparently, the majority are from St. John's. Is there a big gay population over there, or does he share his name with a hockey player?

Consumer Whore (and how!): Talking Bible Dolls!

I know a certain baby girl who's going to learn the ways of the Lord (whether she likes it or not)with help from her very own talking Jesus and Moses dolls-- me! Who knew Jesus sounded like such a child molester?

DJ Tanner Returns!

Help me and DJ Ill Paré choose a name for our team at the SUPER COOL MEGA MUSIC RAD OMG WTF ROTFL IPOD OFF!!! (May 27 at Union Française. If you are not there, consider the friendship over).

I demand suggestions, people. Here are some of the names in the running, in no particular order:
-The Awesome
-The Awesometown Players
-Mormon Thunder!
-Orphan Mormons (we were thinking of dressing all religious-like)
-Extreme Pirates (all right, he didn't agree to this one. It's just always been a dream of mine...)
-Sweater Kittens (too femme?)
-WASP
-Dr. Fünke’s 100% Natural Good-Time Family-Band Solution
-Bueller? Bueller?

Of course, I'm pretty sure we'll just be announced as 'the team from Nightlife Magazine.' Also, the winner is based on audience reaction, so we'll most likely lose. But hell, we'll do it with style. And maybe warm-up suits.

Video of the Day: Sedaris on Colbert

Actually, Strangers With Candy star Amy Sedaris is on The Daily Show, but her former co-star is guest hosting. Also, he pretends to be obsessed with her, which is hilarious. And she's cute and hilarious, as always. And if I hear one more person say that women aren't funny, I'll strap them down and make them listen to... Dane Cook. Hey, white people really DO drive like that!

Video of the Day: Ow! My groin!

Now if only America's Funniest Home Videos would take my advice (or at least answer my many, many fan letters) and create an All Crotch Shots Special Edition DVD. Don't lie, you would so buy it.

Newsies: Blaine didn't make it...

...and he killed our boy! After floating in a hamster ball and getting all pruney, David Blaine then failed in his attempt to break a world record by holding his breath for nine minutes. Awww, wahhhh. Here, watch him blubber like a little boy:

Where's your Pussy Posse now, Blaine?

Video of the Day: Chippendales meets Ice Capades

I just... I can't... Olympic gold medal figure skater Evgeni Plushenko in a gold bikini bottom... Just watch it. Somewhere, probably rural Pennsylvania, Johnny Weir is strangely aroused.

Working for the Weekend

So many important things to do...

-Go see M:I:III under cover of darkness. I know, Cruise is a loon and I never saw the first two, but I'm doing it for Philip Seymour Hoffman and Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Billy Crudup and Carla Gallo from Undeclared. The little guys, see?

-Feel guilty about watching horrid blockbusters with Scientology ties instead of indie movies that need my support. Go drinking in St Henri with N to make the feelings disappear, and possibly get accosted by a crackhead. Seriously though, guys. Are you going to gentrify or what? My parents need to buy a condo.

-Squeeze J for more details about how he's a bad boy at his super important financial job in California and how he got called by HR for sexual harassment 'cause he used the F-word. That's right, 'faggot' (how many times to I have to say it? 'Fag' is fine, 'faggot' is hate speech)

-Book some tickets for Just For Laughs. This year I plan to actually go see some stand-up, rather than just 'enjoying' the street mimes and clowns that usually accompany this summer favourite. Also, complain about all the Jazz Fest shows I'll be missing while in... ugh... London.

-Watch Whoopi Goldberg on Law & Order:CI this Sunday! I don't want to spoil anything, but from the previews her character appears to be very, very sassy.

Best. Idea. Ever.

From Reuters:

"My Bare Lady" will cast four leading ladies from U.S. porn studios in a classic piece of drama to be performed in London's West End. Their experiences undergoing a crash course in acting and appearing before a discerning British audience will air in three episodes on the Fox Reality cable and satellite channels this fall.
"It's a wonderful tale of redemption," said David Lyle, general manager of Fox Reality. "Do they want lines that are a little more challenging than 'Oh, here's the pool guy...'?"

Challenging? I'd like to see Dame Judi Dench welcome the poolguy (or the pizza boy, or the cable guy) in a way that convinces audiences she's genuinely surprised that he's not wearing any pants.

Psychic Movie Reviewer: A Scanner Darkly

Philip K. Dick, Richard Linklater, Waking Life-style animation... how can you go wrong? By casting Keanu Reeves? Actually, I think even he'll be good (though I'd bemoan his existence every day were I a struggling Hollywood actor), and even if he's not, Robert Downey Jr.'s in it, too.
Release date (I probably should have started posting these sooner): July 7

Non-Psychic Movie Reviewer: Hard Candy

In case there's anyone left that I haven't told about this creepy indie thriller, I thought I'd post the trailer and comment on its timeliness as Dateline airs another 'To Catch a Predator' episode, which has them working with pedophile-hunting vigilante group Perverted Justice to trap online predators.

The movie isn't really about the dangers of online predators (though it definitely has the viewer questioning where her sympathies lie) as much as it is an innnntense cat and mouse game between the two talented leads (forget those shots of Sandra Oh-- she's in it for literally 40 seconds). I saw it alone (by choice, I swear), but there were all these middle-aged guys there who looked very, very uncomfortable afterwards (well, those who didn't walk out. Aww, what's the matter? Can't take it when the shoe's on the other foot?).

Consumer Whore (and how!): Trophy Lamp

Could anyone with $3,950.00 to spare pick me up one of these, s.v.p? Thanks. I'll getcha back.

Video of the Day: Amateur Night

I don't know why, but I'm strangely fascinated by this kid and his movie scene re-enactments. He does a decent John Candy from Uncle Buck (above), but you've got to click on the vid and follow the links uand watch all his stuff, especially his Breakfast Club scene. The best part is that he plays ALL OF THE PARTS HIMSELF, which I guess is a bit sad if it's because he can't find someone else to hold the camera. Or maybe he's just got an ego.

Ipecac Brigade: 50 Best Restaurants

Here is this year's list of the world's 50 best restaurants (compiled by an enormous panel of international food critics, journalists, etc.). Needless to say, I have never been to any of them, though I almost went to Per Se... maybe that was a dream...

The Top 10

1 El Bulli (Spain)
2 The Fat Duck (UK)
3 Pierre Gagnaire (France)
4 French Laundry (USA)
5 Tetsuya (Australia)
6 Michel Bras (France)
7 Alain Ducasse - Le Louis XV (Monaco)
8 Per Se (New York)
9 Arzak (Spain)
10 Mugaritz (Spain)

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to liquidate my assets and book a trip to Spain.

Lazy Paparazzi: Sienna Who? Part 2

Yes, yes, the irony in harping on about how media outlets harp on about a useless starlet like Sienna is duly noted. Thanks. But I just had to pass along this incredible rant from the girls at Go Fug Yourself, spurred by Sienna's lacklustre appearance at this year's Met Costume Gala thingy. Here's what she wore...

And here's my favourite bit of the (lengthy) rant: "I hate that she seems to think she's actually Edie Sedgwick, and I hate the way everyone from Teen Vogue to Vogue Vogue has shoved Sienna Miller in all of our faces for reasons I still can't comprehend. She's just taking what Kate Moss does every day a million times better and sticking a headband on it. And you know what? I know she's an actress, but I haven't seen a single movie she's ever been in. All she's REALLY known for in the United States is a) banging Jude Law and b) dressing like a fruitcake. Aside from that, she doesn't seem particularly interesting or clever or intriguing. In fact, she doesn't seem like ANYTHING. There's nothing there to aspire to."

It isn't sooo horrible (the outfit, not her crackwhore face and just out of the rain/crackhouse hair), only everyone else at the event was wearing, you know, fancy ball gowns. Because it was a gala. To benefit the freaking COSTUME INSTITUTE. God forbid the girl's ever nominated for an Oscar (I guess she'd have to make a movie or something first)-- I dare say she'd be wearing her 'lucky' black stretch pants on the red carpet. Speaking of, would Montrealers please stop wearing them? Because I wear them occasionally, and now I can't you fucking drones. You already ruined mukluks and poorboy caps for me, bitches.

Video of the Day: Casino Royale

I am actually interested in seeing the newest Bond movie. This is odd because I have never, ever watched an entire Bond film in my life. I just don't find any of the Bonds sexy or interesting, even Brosnan, and the one with Christopher Walken had me fast forwarding to his scenes. But I really like Daniel Craig as an actor (see: Enduring Love) and as Bond (though many seem to disagree). He's got a kind of brutish '70s thing going on, and as for all this crap about him being 'ugly,' am I really to believe that Sean Connery would be physically attractive sans the tux? Cripes, just look at him! [UPDATE: In a highly controversial move, I've subbed the newly-released English trailer for the earlier French-dubbed version]

Extra! Extra! Kittens now even cuter!

...and also, so in touch with pop culture. Behold, Snakes on a Plane on a Cat.

David Blaine is no G.O.B.

David Blaine, illusionist and former Pussy Posse member is doing a new stunt which has him floating in a big hamster ball filled with water for a week.

Here are some detes, and I quote:

- The stunt is no longer just a week underwater (but he does have oxygen and will be fed nutrients by tube) followed by holding his breath for 9 minutes - it's now a week under water, get dragged out of the water and then get shackled wtih 150 pounds of chains, put back in the water to hold his breath for 9 minutes and break out of the chains
- He does have a catheter to take away his number 1; he hasn't eaten solids in a week because he doesn't want to do number 2 (ew!!)
- He's wearing special boots that seem to have weights (or else he'd be floating at the top); he is wearing pants, though people wondered if he had on diving pants underneath
- There are medical types and diving specialists monitoring him; he supposedly lost 50 pounds because the skinnier you are, the less oxygen you need or something (he did look pretty skinny)

Whatevs. I witnessed his whole living-in-a-cube-in-London bit (still cost 200 quid a week, hardy har) first hand, and it was kind of underwhelming. I hope some college kids crack it open or roll him down a hill. College kids-- is there anything they can't do?

Now I'm off to turn the Pussy Posse's Awesome Adventures into a comic book. Aside from Blaine, there's Leonardo DiCaprio- The Leader, Tobey Maguire- The Puffy Wingman, Harmony Korine- The Crackhead Artist, and Lukas Haas- Whaa-? It's a great idea (maybe better for Robert Smigel) because nobody really cares about them anymore, while the Z-listers of the group (e.g. Entourage's Kevin Connolly and My Name is Earl's Ethan Suplee) now have successful careers). Also, they'll have superpowers, like the ability to shoot GHB out of their fingertips.

[UPDATE: This girl wrote a note to Blaine-in-a-bubble asking him if he wanted to make out. He declined (she probably wasn't dancing topless and oohing and aahing at his card tricks), but good show. I probably would have panicked and given him the finger]

Adventures in Media: eTalk Daily

Like all good Canadians, I hate eTalk Daily and find their desperate red carpet pleas and barely noticed rivalry with Entertainment Tonight Canada a little pathetic. Also, Tanya Kim (who, by the bye, seems to have slept her way through Toronto as the old chestnut 'I used to date Tanya Kim' has been used on a friend of mine on more than one occasion) stands like she's won third place in a Hawaiian Tropic beauty pageant. Yeah, I said it.

Anyway, this all makes this (snippet of a) press release all the more hilarious:

'Tuesday, May 2, 2006

eTalk Delivers More Mission: Impossible III World Tour Canadian Exclusives
Tonight From Mexico City

Cruise: "I crawled into bed with Suri and Kate". [Creepy now, creepy when he says it in 12 years. And where the hell are his other kids?]

New (and exhausted) father Tom Cruise tells eTalk Senior Reporter David
Giammarco [Senior reporter? Ooh la la. It's funny because an actual senior obviously has no place on an entertainment news show, unless you count Leonard Maltin] how he spent his much-needed short break from the red carpet tour.
After Rome, London and then Paris, a jet-lagged Cruise took some time off before [discreetly] meeting up with David in Mexico City, where they began the second leg of their global trek for Mission: Impossible III.

eTalk is the only Canadian media outlet on the M:i:III red carpet tour [Wow! How on Earth did they get access to such a secret, subdued, members only-type world tour promoting a multimillion dollar summer blockbuster starring the biggest media whore since Paris Hilton? And why isn't the CBC getting on this one instead of the Conservative budget, Sudan, etc.?] and David has been at every stop along the way to capture all the action. Catch more M:i:III Canadian exclusive interviews with Cruise as David continues the tour in New York and Los Angeles this week.

Watch David's UNCUT [A Tom Cruise gay joke? How utteryly passé] interviews with Cruise and other M:i:III cast members
from Rome, London, Paris and Mexico City, and read David's blog from each city stop here [I'd rather read a box of cereal or another Dan Brown book than anybody's thoughts on how well their brown nosing is going and how long before their pandering turns into full-blown membership in the Church of Scientology. They get everyone, eventually. Even Janeane Garofalo, it seems].'

Newsies: TV Turnoff Week

Ah hell, it looks like I missed TV Turnoff Week (April 24-30, apparently). Not that I was about to miss Prison Break or 24 or American Idol or that Knorr Soup commercial I think is kind of funny. Looks like I'll have to watch extra TV this week to make last week's viewing seem reduced in comparison. Maybe I'll read an Adbusters or something while I'm at it (they actually recommend replacing the boob tube with a 'TV-B-Gone Pub Crawl'. Because unlike television, which makes people fat and kills brain cells and ruins lives, alcohol has never hurt anyone. Also, it can be used for educational purposes).

Video of the Day: Vending Machine of the Future

Watch the infamous iPod vending machine in action. Isn't that sort of a ghetto machine for such a modern product? Really, they should be 'laid' by a giant white plastic egg or something. A lesser person would make some tasteless remark about how the guy in the video was probably too lazy to walk to the store. For shame!

Extra! Extra! Kittens are cute!

Until I have the time to work on the old ball and blog, I direct you to Stuff On My Cat, a site that features photos of things on cats as well as this pic of a kitten and a puppy living in sin.

Extra! Extra! Colbert Sticks It to Bush!

Everyone's favourite floppy-eared faux Republican looked dapper at the recent White House Correspondents' Dinner, but his wide-eyed innocent schtick apparently didn't go over too well the other night. You can watch Part 1 above or read about it here, but these are the best bits:

"[Colbert] urged Bush to ignore his low approval ratings, saying they were based on reality, “and reality has a well-known liberal bias."

"Turning to the war, he declared, 'I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.'"

"I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the No Fact Zone. Fox News, I own the copyright on that term."

This rivals Jon Stewart's refusal to dance like a monkey on Crossfire:


"Else to-morrow a stranger will say with masterly good sense precisely what we have thought and felt all the time, and we shall be forced to take with shame our own opinion from another." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Incidentally, did you know that there's a kind of cute racecar driver named Stephen Colbert?